Stupid Greeting Cards

Greeting cards are a huge industry. I mean, what better way to make a few large than providing for middle america's inability to coherently express itself, with trite, store bought mishmash? Ah yes, the good ol' 1st world answer to problems, buying something. But I digress. Like any outlet of mass media conglomerates, greeting cards have their fair share of steaming crap. Some cards are just dumb, ugly or so bizarre you think you'd think you were back in college, dropping acid with Christopher lloyd. Behold, a terrifying example of what some people make for a living:

inside: Cha cha cha!

Well hey there, its the birthday Gecko. Nothing says Bonne Anniversaire like a reptile decked out in mariachi drag. Or maybe its just the Geico lizard, fresh off a Tijuana bender with a rough trick named Jorge. CHA CHA CHA, indeed.

inside: We didn't get you a birthday present together, too.

Speaking of reptiles, what the heck are these two? Someone call Jeff Goldblum because there's a pair of Sun burned Crapasaurus Rex's loose. And just what exactly is that second C-Rex steering?

Front: Do you have any books that aren't for Dummies?
inside: Lucky there are cards for dummies. Sorry I forgot your birthday.

Books that aren't for Dummies? Depends, do you have any cards that aren't drawn by drunks with cerebral palsy? Seriously, it's like some bent pop art over and raped it. And why is she clutching her stomache? Is she so appaled that someone would question her inventory, or does crappy art just give her gas? It's not enough that someone forgot your birthday, but they decided the best way to make up for it was to buy the the ugliest card they could find. If someone tried to give this to me I'd kick them in the teeth. Twice.

inside: Hope your birthday's the bomb!

Oh, the metaphors, the METAPHORS! Happy birthday, celebrate your conception with a card of men in phallic headwear. Where in america did they find a group of 18 middle aged men eager to be immortalized in an image of such sexual context? San Francisco? I can only imagine the Mahito's and body shots that followed this shot. Take off those missles boys, its time to see your guns! Bang bang!

inside: It'd be a cold day in your know where before we'd miss wishing YOU a happy birthday.

Look, its the Sunshine State Skinny Dippers, here to wish you a happy B-day. You got me birthday manboobs? You shouldn't have! I'd go on, but ugh, my stomache is just too weak.

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The cardmakers elected not to include any verse on the inside. They felt that the heartfelt message of the card was straight forward enough that it didn't warrant any further explanation. The tender warmth of these aquatic beasts makes them well suited to any sentiment.
"Happy Birthday, save the whales!"
"Congrats on your promotion, Save the whales!"
"Sorry about your dead gramma, remember, Save the Whales!"
"Happy Anniversary, honey, Save the Whales!" Wait, skip that one, you'd wind up on the couch at night for sure.

inside: Flourescent light is the enemy

Dude, I don't know either. This is just . . . WOW. What do you say to a card like this? Thanks for the nihilistic reflection on modern society? I love the lime green bikini made (apparently) of plastic wrap, I infer this because you can see right through it. It was also nice that the artist wanted to tart her up a bit with Cover-girl's new San Antonio Whore line of blush. How can flourescent light be the enemy? By reminding you of what an assexual humanoid in a garbage bag swimsuit looks like? Flourescent light is not the enemy, craptastic cards are the enemy.